Here's the not so skinny...

How on God's green earth did I gain 10 pounds in the past 6 weeks?
Oh, like I don't know.
Virtually no exercise. Horrible eating habits. ok ok AND some poor food choices. (SOME poor food choices? that does sound better than I eat like shit everyday, doesn't it?) I had a few dates with this guy, he told me one of the reasons we really aren't compatible is because he eats healthy and I don't. I couldn't believe it. I haven't eaten fast food of any sort in months. I had an apple for breakfast and tuna and rice crackers for a moring minimeal. I eat almonds as a snack! I drink water and not soda. I get the mixed veggies instead of the baked potato! I eat fish regularly. I don't even have crap around the house(that, of course, is because I cannot be trusted with crap around the house. plain and simple-I don't say no) of course I felt wounded by this guy who wishes I would just let my guard down and trust him...when the truth is, really--I don't eat healthy, and he's not trustworthy anyway. You like how I threw that extra part on the end? He lied to me about his age(a ten year difference lie), which isn't really relevant here. all I'm doing is taking the light off my poor eating habits by making him the bad guy. I'm quite skilled at doing that by the way.
I'm also a whiz at quitting. If the going gets too tough, or I don't feel like doing the work, I just don't call or I don't do the work I said I'd do. Not much integrity there, is there? The impact that has on me is that I feel stressed out. Like I know I SHOULD be doing, finishing, calling--and I'm not. I feel insufficient. I quit lots of things, you know...relationships of all kinds, jobs, projects, tasks...gobs of stuff. I say I'll do it, and then I don't. I say I want it, but when it comes time to take it, I don't. I'm not proud of it, mind you; I've realized that this keeps me alone and often times extremely lonely. And while it "victimizes" me, it leaves others feeling like they don't matter, like I don't give a shit about them. Like they aren't important. The really slimy part is that I do all that, and cast people so far away, that I am shielded when the pieces fall as they may. I don't see how badly I make people feel. The majority of the time I don't get that I REALLY hurt people. That I am the one causing pain for others...and even if I realize it, they are so far gone, I don't see their pain. I couldn't bear it if I saw the pain I inflicted. Of course, you do know that I spend my life helping others...or appearing to. No coincidence, I guess, that I am trying to make up for it in any way that I can. It's just a circle. One that I choose. For your information, I just chose to drink a Coke (not the healthy water alternative)
In my life...even recently, I have tasted living in the moment. It's so liberating. It's what I call "the air up there"...it's in the zone. It's everywhere I've ever wanted to be. non-judgemental. open. free. Ultimately what happens, though, is that when I end the moment, I spend my time trying to get back there--instead of allowing myself to be in the possibility of "in the moment" all the time. I am afraid to be vulnerable for fear that something might happen to hurt me, and yet, it is in that vulnerability that opportunity and possiblity lay.